Are you living a soulful life?
By Natalie Russell
It was my first year in the clinical psychology doctorate program; yet despite this being the achievement of my lifetime, I was deeply unhappy, empty, depleted, and un-inspired. I started mindlessly scrolling through Instagram to distract myself. I happened to come across a quote that stated, “do the work that feeds your soul not your ego.”
I stood there, right before class started, and I asked myself why am I here in this program? Who is talking? Ego or soul? I began to question whether I was living life as a victim of my circumstances whose values were mapped upon them or I was living a life that was true to my desires. The funny thing was that I could not even tell you what my desires were. I had spent so much of my life having other people’s values and opinions thrust upon me that I was simply lost.
I dug deeper and deeper until I found myself laying on my bed, frozen. The doctorate was for someone else, not me. It was for a person that was trying to prove themselves and their worth to others. So I sat there and I began to write. I wrote out my dreams, my passions, my values, and all the things that I had wanted to do but never got to do because my ego, this false self, got in the way. I whispered to myself, “soulful.” What does it mean?
You are not a machine made to perform endless tasks. Yes, sometimes our jobs demand that of us because of our financial situations; however, how can you wake the artist within ourselves on our days off, in our free time, in between the chaos? Are your choices seeking to serve yourself or others? Are you striving for external recognition or authenticity? If not the latter, then what will the recognition function as? Love? Trust? Respect? Are you looking inward at the world within? If not… what do you fear you will find? Do you feel empty or do you feel wholeness from within? If you feel empty… what was taken from you?
That day, I truly realized that I hold the responsibility for my choices. Every action is a choice, every inaction an even greater choice. No one can save me from pain that I create for myself.
As a little girl, I used to have a poster next to my bed that read,
“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
I had these words branded into my brain from sleepless nights, yet I never truly understood them. I did not feel their depth. If we backtrack, our thoughts are the keys to our destiny. It is the stories we tell ourselves that allow us to live a certain type of life. If we choose to believe that we are temporary, we will make choices that will give us temporary essence, freedom, and passion. Do not let your ego tell the story of your soul.
Ultimately, I gave up a life in which I was trying to create meaning for myself. So, ask yourself, are you living through your ego or are you living through your soul?
Natalie Russell is a professional counselor at Elle. Read more about what inspires Natalie and find out how to get in touch with her here.
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